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It's not easy being me afterall.
Monday, April 22, 2013



I’m tired of being this person, being expected to fall into the format, & twist into what everyone else expects me to be. I’ve changed so much in the past few years, jumping from one thing to another, making so many mistakes. Trying to grow up. I constantly remind myself of the past, & how I must change to keep the person who is my everything, my only safe haven. I’m scared of losing my imagination, because when life gets hard, & everyone’s against me, it’s all I can do is pretend. I’ve been lied to, betrayed, & back stabbed, by my best friends, and even my own family, I just can’t take it anymore. I miss being a kid, & wish I could turn back time. Looking back, things seemed so great then. I was actually happy with my life. I have flaws, I’m so unhappy with them, but I put up a front. Little things irritate me, & I’m so indecisive. I hate how I ramble on, about my weaknesses. If I’m happy, I’m automatically being fake, if I’m upset, I’m automatically too expressive. I have few legitimate reasons to hate the world, nothing ever seems to go my way. I used to be good at manipulating people, good at getting what I wanted. We only tend to see the hurt in our life, to hold on to the negative, but isn’t that all we can do? I have to keep fighting, have to keep letting the people I love, know that I’m willing to make sacrifices for them. I need to learn to accept that things aren’t all about me, that even if I’m not happy, then the happiness of the people I love is what counts. I need to continue to grow, to change, & mature. I hate being stuck in the middle, seeing everything only at eye level. I’m tired of wishing I was a character in a book, that the villain would get his payback, and everyone would live happily ever after. I miss the dream world I used to live in, and I regret waking up, regret being hurt, & hurting people in return. Ignorance is bliss, and sometimes, I really wish I didn’t know any better. I want to become religious again, to feel at one, and know that even if everyone on earth hates me that God is right there by my side, guiding me. I want to feel the power of prayer, & cry from being happy, from knowing that things are always going to be okay. I’m done with drama, lying & sin. I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m not trying to be something I’m not. I just want to live, and laugh, and be happy. I want to finish school, marry him, & start a family. I’m like an open book, my feelings are shown on my sleeves. I’m clumsy, & break things. I fall down, especially in front of people. I can be uptight, but my laugh is contagious. I want everyone to experience peace, know how good things can be, so they’ll strive harder for it. All is not fair, in love, it never will be.

Our lips must always be sealed- 2:19 AM



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